Ghosting, Jerks & Dating in 2018
Posted on August 9th, 2018
After what feels like the longest breakup healing process, I have finally begun to open up to experiences and the possibility of new relationships. It’s been so fun meeting new people as well as having more time to spend with my girlfriends and to focus on myself.
However, my eyes have been opened to another side of the dating world. I’ve now experienced what my friends often talk about. It’s a world filled with mixed signals, those blah dates, encounters with some jerks, and ghosting. All while trying to not let it get you down and still maintain a strong sense of self and self-love.
Recently I had an encounter with a guy at a bar which inspired me to write this blog. He wasn’t a jerk but his mixed signals left me feeling a rollercoaster of emotions the next day. (It also didn’t help that I was tired and running on little sleep). As a result, my Sunday night blues not only consisted of anxiety about work the next day but also feeling down about myself. After an evening of soul work, I appreciated the struggle my friends are always talking about. It’s not always easy to feel like the queen you are in the modern dating world!
Dealing with jerks:
It’s never fun to cross paths with a jerk. It’s especially hard not to take it personally and let your mind obsess about the things you think you did wrong. First things first, stop this negative thinking because it’s the insecurities in your head taking control of your mind. The truth is everyone is going through their own journey and we aren’t always going to be on the same page with people we meet. Maybe they recently just got out of a relationship and aren’t emotionally where you are at. You just don’t know. Truthfully, it’s better to feel that initial sting because it means the universe is redirecting you towards someone who is a better fit for you.
Instead of focusing your attention on the jerk, focus your attention on actions you can take to build a stronger sense of self. Below are some things that always help remind me that I am fabulous just the way I am and that everything is going to be ok:
Clean and do laundry. This one might sound a bit odd because who enjoys cleaning? But there is something about getting rid of the dirt and clutter that really does feel like a fresh start. Plus, how great is it to snuggle into fresh clean sheets at the end of the day? It makes cuddling in bed with a good book or watching a movie so much better!
Cook. A nourishing meal provides your body with the antioxidants, healthy fats and the good protein you need to thrive and feel your best. I recently took a course on functional nutrition. Essentially you want to up your intake of plant based foods, foods rich in omega 3 (such as salmon, chia seeds), along with healthy fats. Cut out any sugar, starch, processed foods.
Watch a funny tv show or movie. Even for a yogi who is totally about embracing the present moment, there is still nothing that makes me happier than watching a good TV show or movie. Sometimes you just need that chill-you-time to simply relax and put your mind on pause for a while.
Work out. While it can sometimes be hard to get to the gym, your mind will thank you afterwards. My newest thing has been finding Instagram fitness models whose vibe I mesh with so that I am constantly inspired with new routines. Even better if you have a friend to work out with. It helps keep you on track and you can both work on your fitness goals together. Yay friends!
Do yoga and meditation. Yoga allows a mental release (in addition to its toning and fitness benefits). It serves as a vessel to help settle into a state of observation and our mind’s trouble become less urgent with each breath. The worries might not disappear completely but they’ll suddenly become quieter and easier to cope with. This is very helpful when you’re feeling down about something as it offers a disconnect.
If none of these remedies seem to work, maybe you just need to get a good night’s sleep and remember that tomorrow is a fresh day.
I have a confession. There have been times when I ghosted a guy. I never ghosted anyone if the relationship was serious but when I wasn’t interested it seemed so much easier to slowly fade them out of the picture versus be straight up and direct.
My philosophy on ghosting has changed. When a group of girlfriends were chatting about their ghosting experiences all of them wished the guy had been straight up with them. After my recent encounter with that guy at the bar, I realize how ghosting is really selfish. If the last experience you had with the person entails you leading them on in any way, it’s far better to put your big girl pants on and say this isn’t what you need right now. Otherwise you’re just going to leave the other person wondering what on earth happened.
I actually met a really sweet guy at a bar a couple months ago. He wanted to keep hanging out but I didn’t really feel there was a future. My initial reaction was to ghost him but then I thought about how I would feel if I were in his shoes. Instead I crafted up the nicest text (FYI it’s never going to be a fun text to send), took a deep breath and hit send. Surprisingly he did text me back a few days later and I felt like at the end of day he did appreciate that I had been honest with him.
Those blah dates:
My personal criteria for men I’ll date is pretty high. They have to be funny, smart, driven, have an interest for travel and other cultures, and I need to be attracted! I’ve been on dates with men who don’t tick all the boxes but for a good chunk of time post-breakup, I was super closed off and less likely to give anyone new who didn’t think fit my criteria a try. Then I realized that maybe the key in life is to be open to all types of people, even if they are different from you and there might not be a future.
I’m not about leading someone on but maybe it’s about going on dates to meet people simply for a new experience. Perhaps the person won’t be your soul mate but you just might have a good laugh together and enjoy an inspiring conversation. I think when we change our mindset towards blah dates, we start to realize the beauty of life is that each experience alters us in some shape or form and propels us in a direction towards who we are as a person.
At the end of day everything is all going to work itself and all is going to be ok.